One of the most important things I am able to offer women is a safe place for them to explore. Safety is an issue for both sexes, but women have to deal with it on a daily basis in a way that men rarely do. Add an intimate act like spanking to the equation and this concern is magnified tenfold. Women are often reluctant to seek out spanking or other BDSM(bondage and discipline sadism and masochism domination and submission experiences because of safety concerns and who can blame them? I feel that everyone, especially women, need to have a space where they can meet their needs and feel safe, understood and cared for. I offer a place to experience spanking or other fantasies without having to deal with the unwanted advances or agendas, without the pressure of being sexualized or manipulated into a type of relationship that you don’t want and without having to deal with the creepiness that often comes with this territory. I remain clothed at all times
I would like to share with you some tips for meeting a new partner who is not going to hurt you or attempt sex and playing safely.
MEETING A NEW PARTNER SAFELY
Use any or all of the following suggestions that you feel comfortable with; this was written in the mid 90's and although I agree that some points should be followed you don’t have to follow everything.
The following is a list of rules and suggestions to make a safe first meet. It sounds paranoid, but it’s all about safety. Every time we meet someone new, we’re playing Russian roulette. There is no way to avoid that, but we can decide how many bullets are in the chamber by making ourselves as safe as possible.
- Always assume the person you are meeting is potentially dangerous. Use your intuition.
- Do your homework. Ask for a photo, a license plate number, his home phone number and his real name. When you get home google stalk him or her. Also, establish a text or phone link. This certainly makes it easier for the authorities to track you should you go missing or are hurt. You’re trusting a person with your life; they should be comfortable sharing personal information about themselves
- Meet at a well-lit, open-concept location. Coffee shops are great because police frequent them :) . If at all possible, meet during the day, and avoid places with dark parking lots.
- Make your own arrangements for a ride. Don’t rely on someone you don’t know, have never met in person, and may not trust or like for a ride home.
- Make arrangements for a safe call. It is vitally important to have one. Once you’ve met the person for coffee and have personal information and have done your internet search and have decided to meet in a private setting, give your safe call information on the person to a friend you trust. You don’t have to tell them what you’re doing if you don’t feel comfortable but at least someone will know where you are.
- Do NOT play on a first meet. This can be the hardest rule to live by, especially if you are driving long distances to meet someone you have been courting for months online. Sometimes it’s unavoidable. If you are planning on building a long-lasting relationship with the person you are meeting, rather than having a one-night stand, and the person you are meeting feels the same way, they WILL meet with you again, and WILL talk to you more before setting up a play session. The main reason for this rule is that while you’re having coffee, if things start to feel wrong, you can leave. You can’t do that if you’re tied up. Use your intuition and listen to your feelings.
- When you are finished, remember to inform the trusted friend that you are ok by making your safe call. Should that person become alarmed because of not hearing from you, inform him or her to try you first. If for some reason they get your voice mail, have them call the person. If they are not happy with the answer then they should inform authorities.
BDSM IS NOT ABUSIVE; IT IS SAFE, SANE AND CONSENSUAL
**Please note that some rules may not be applicable to spanking**
BDSM is increasingly becoming accepted as a safe and psychologically beneficial activity when it occurs between two consenting partners. Unfortunately, there are many who, under the guise of BDSM, are actually predators looking for victims. Research (Jozifkova, E., 2013) has identified specific markers to define good BDSM partnership versus abusive relationships.
Good BDSM relationships are sane, safe and consensual and are beneficial to both partners. A good BDSM relationship is not based on fear of a partner and does not lead to feelings of guilt or worthlessness, is one in which partners respect each other and does not contain psychological pressure. Look for the following indications (Jozifkova, E., 2013) that the person with whom you are playing is safe:
- Voluntariness: BDSM is consensual. Partners discuss actions which are acceptable and those which are not. The determine a consensus or rejection of activities about which boundaries are determined and respected by both partners. A safe partner will always be willing to set limits.
- Communication: Communication is critical to a good partner relationship. Both partners should feel free to communicate feelings and limits and to express concerns about activities.
- Safeword (the ability to stop the activity): a safeword is a code word that stops the activity. It is often assumed that the safeword is only for the submissive/bottom partner; however, the Dominant/top should feel free to use a safeword. The Dominant should always feel free to use the safeword to stop an activity should the submissive ask him to be harder than what he feels is acceptable. Safewords are not just for physical pain, but also for psychological pain.
An abusive relationship is not BDSM and should the following markers be identified, you could be endangering yourself by playing with the individual.
- An abusive relationship is based on fear, not consensual interaction. In an abusive relationship, the submissive partner complies with acts he or she may not wish to do because he or she is afraid of the Dominant who is disrespectful. A good BDSM relationship is loving, intimate and allows for personal growth and is not characterized by guilt, fear, or feelings of worthlessness.
- Safewords must be respected and abided. A partner who refuses to abide by a safeword is dangerous.
- Effective communication is a main element of a good BDSM relationship. A good partner will listen to the feelings and concerns of his or her partner and be willing to discuss them
Jozifkova, E. (2013). Consensual Sadomastic Sex (BDSM): The Roots, the Risks and the Distinctions Between BDSM and Violence. Current Psychiatry Reports 15:392. DOI: 10.1007/s11920-013-0392-1